Finding the true meaning in a meltdown

My poor little guy. We, the parents, declared the blanket fort had to be put away tonight before dinner. This marks the end of a fun holiday weekend. And begins the meltdown/manic attack of a rather strong boy. After 15 minutes of my restraining him, with as much comfort as I could verbally give he calmed. We talked. Then talked more. I'm learning to ask questions differently. I'm learning to accept answers as I perceive them, are not the same definition to him. Tonight, I made, what I believe, is a huge leap in understanding. Now I could be wrong. But it lines up that his initial 'at school' episodes started as testing prep began. The constant rhetoric of "school is stupid, boring, etc" got louder and more frequent. Tonight I unlocked a window that showed me that anxiety is a trigger. He's struggling with understanding the concepts in math and language arts. He feels stupid and is anxious about it. He feels that his sitting in class IS a waste of time, his, and the school's. All because he doesn't feel he is learning anything. He's extremely frustrated, and has lost a great deal of self confidence. Now I know. Now I can work to fix things for him. My poor little man. He loves so passionately, he feels so intensely. I hope I can make this better, somehow.

And a special "love note" to Bella, who was held and patted and cried on, and never flinched. And who barks at us adamantly to remind all of us our volume and tone of voice matters. She's a therapy dog at heart, if not on paper.

Recovering from when the run goes wrong

 I ran the OC half marathon. I was ill-prepared and the weekend didn't go well. The race was a painful experience both physically and emotionally. I have Plantar Fasciitis in my right foot. My back keeps pulling. In the last few weeks post race, I've considered "retiring" and just plain quitting. Maybe I'm really not a runner. But, I'm registered for several races including next weeks San Diego Rock n roll half, and the Dumbo Double Dare in late August.  I can't just quit. But emotionally my failings at the OC half taken a toll. I don't want to run like I did before. A talk with my mom set all these thoughts tumbling out. I realized what was happening. Now I have to fix it. It all started with a run. It will continue. I will continue. I am not a quitter. Let's call it a re-grouping and restart. :) 

Major Moment (second)

This past Sunday I ran my 5th Half marathon. Running the OC Marathon's Half Marathon event. The course was stunning! But, it had more hills than I understood. I arrived early and though I was a little cold, my own fault, I had no issues parking or getting a shuttle to the start. I ran on too little sleep, with not enough proper training, and didn't do as we'll as I'd hoped. I finished in 3:35:02. Not terrible, but not where I wasted to be. The "glory" of my finish was deflated greatly when I learned they'd run out of medals. Photographers normally cramming for a finish/medal photo looked at me blankly. The after race treat bag was an over ripe orange and a clif bar, to be washed down with warm Gatorade. Warming blankets were no where to e found in the exit chute. I finally asked and learned the medical tent had them. Upon finding the tent I waited in line for 10 minutes, while watching others ignore the line and be handed a blanket. I then had to trek to gear pick up. Located at the far end of the post-event party. Total confusion there. Finally, thanks to a very kind volunteer, my bag was retrieved. From there I had a 1/2 mile walk to my car. Once there, the real fun started. Exiting the parking lot should have taken 10-15minutes. It took nearly 30.
All that said, I'll do it again. The course is too beautiful to miss. Hopefully the emails from participants will be read and used as learning tools.
*What I learned, never run on no sleep. *When the body is hurting it's warning you. Listen. I'm now off my running feet for a bit, due to plantar fasciitis.
*runners are the kindest most supportive people ever.
*hill work must be a part of my training always. Not just when I'm preparing for a hilly course.
Next up SD RocknRoll half. I'll try again for that sub-3. :)

A major moment (first)

After a lot of issues, several of which landed us with multi-day suspensions from school, and the failure of our first go with a psychiatrist. Our appointment was Friday. The NP(nurse practitioner) Ms. Carol was really cool. I'm hopefully optimistic. She speaks with authority, but with gentleness. No barked orders of how it will be. She listened to all 3 of us, and answered questions fully. We have an added diagnosis and we are trying a new medication to help us with this. He's been on the new med since Friday evening and I am seeing a distinct difference. While the diagnosis is a little unnerving, the outcome of it; extra therapy, parenting classes, & the additional medication is a relief. There is light in the tunnel. I'm hoping its the end, not a randomly placed wall sconce.

Boston 2013

I wasn't sure I was a runner until Monday. I woke, took kids to school, and came home quickly to live stream the elite finishers. I've always known there was a marathon in Boston. I couldn't tell you when it was, until now. Because I'm a runner. I watched the women finish and I cried and felt a surge of emotion I'd only known at finish lines. I want to be able to have that stride, that form, that strength. I watched the elite men finish and was awed by the power. Then I went to lunch. Upon returning home my phone was buzzing with texts and facebook messages. Something had happened. Explosions at Boston. My youngest daughter had been watching live stream on the news at school. She texted, she was glad I wasn't there, she was scared. I went inside and found coverage immediately. I checked FB, and Twitter. I knew 4 people who ran that day. All 4 were unharmed. Shock, anger, disbelief, hurt and sadness, all this circled inside me. I cried. I felt lost. I felt scared. In the next few hours, all that filtered into desire, a two-fold need. 1. How to help, I contacted the Red Cross and donated blood. The next part will take me, I'm committing now, 2 years. I will run Boston in 2015. This is no simple statement. I have to qualify. It's a full marathon. And to add perspective, the elite women are 1.5 hours faster in a FULL marathon than my current half marathon time. My next race is May 5. The OC Half Marathon. It's going to mean a lot more to me, because now I know. I am a runner. To the running family, we are that, a family. My love is with each of you directly affected by the events. Let's run.

This past Monday we took Drew back for another test at the Psychiatrist. Same deal as before. Take the meds, wait an hour, take the test, see if results are acceptable or not. Well, Drew showed he was done. He had a meltdown before the test. Then refused to take it. This is a boring computer test. It's not designed to be entertainment, but it's also painless. After 2-1/2 hours of trying to wait him out to calm down, regroup, etc. we decided to go back the next day and try again. When we discussed this with the Dr. his response was not expected! Instead of agreeing and trying to talk with Drew about it. He spoke gruffly to Drew about cooperation and involvement. Then closed the file folder and suggested strongly to us that we find an intensive 30-60 day residential treatment facility for him. WHOA! Initially while heartsick, I considered it. I mean, he is a doctor. We left, to do research on facilities, etc. I made phone calls. Initially looking for someplace that would take Drew. Not too many places accept kids under 16. Thanks to Sharon at St. Joseph's I was referred to UCI's Autism Center of Orange county. Well, they have a 4month wait list. That won't work. So, they sent me to Help Me Grow, a referral organization. After a 20 minute phone call I had several phone numbers. I called the first choice on the list. It's not a residential it's just a new Dr., but it's a group, the Psychiatrists work in tandem with therapists that do "talk therapy" and "behavior counselling", After a brief chat with them, confirming insurance contracts, and we are set with an appointment. The more I thought about the first Dr.'s response the more disturbed I was. Drew wasn't violent, his grumbled statement of wishing he could blow up the place than take another test fits a frustrated ADHD/ODD/Anxiety 10 year old boy. It was not said with intent to action, it was said with frustration. There is a difference! And as a Psychiatrist, isn' he supposed to HELP people through ALL the issues that are a part of this diagnosis? So, the adventure continues. In the meantime, I called the Pediatrician to let him know what's happening. He was shocked too.  I've also talked to Drew about Monday, and how the Dr behaved and how it made ME feel and asked him about his feelings and he doesn't like him. (DUH). So he's just as happy to not go back as anyone. Really hoping this next try is successful!!!!

The ADHD Adventure

Today I'm sharing the adventures of my Son, now 10, who at 5 was given a diagnosis of ADHD. That diagnosis came from his pediatrician and was accompanied by a prescription for a med commonly used to treat the symptoms of ADHD. Being a bit in the dark on how it all works, and well, I'll admit it now, ashamed of the whole situation. I took the prescription gave the meds as directed and called it happy. I did no research, I did no after care, besides every 3 months going for a weight check. Side effect of the meds is loss of appetite. He's already thin, so this doesn't help. We were sailing along the not so smooth seas of life, but no one knew about the tantrums, outbursts, threats or fears that were part of the "behind the scenes" of our life. So all was well enough. Then, something happened. I'm blaming hormones. A few months ago he started having outbursts at school. Threatening violence, attempting to provoke others into fights. Still, nothing outward violent against others. Yes, you guessed it, the other shoe dropped. In a 10 day span, that included 3-1/2 days out due to suspension he kicked,bit or hit others, and threatened the type of violence that brings in police, at school. The escalation to violence outside the home forced my hand, if you will. We saw the pediatrician for a referral, and shortly after began the process of diagnosis and treatment for my son with a Psychiatrist. It is ADHD. As it turns out, those 4 little letters mean A LOT more than can't sit still and focus at school. I'm now a google and wikipedia expert. In the last 10 days we have assessed that we are dealing with severe ADHD, with mild OCD, and Anxiety.  The Psychiatrist we are seeing specializes in kids with ADHD, and uses something called the TOVA testing for medication dosing. Basically, we started out on no meds, Drew took the test (it's a computer thing), and we got our baseline, then we started with 5mg of a medication. No change in testing, so we tried 10mg, no change in testing. We went back a day later with a different medication, no change in testing. We've done this 5 different times, no change. The cognitive level the test shows, my DS shouldn't be able to tie shoes, which he does, let alone read, which he does. So what's the issue. Today, in discussion of the latest results a conversation between Drew and Doc it became apparent that Drew is "blacking out" or "zoning" during the test. We will test again Monday with a selected dosage of  meds, if the results are the same, we will go for an EEG. The suspect, petit mal seizures. No, really, that's not frightening at all. Sigh.